Overweight At 22

So I have no clue if I'll be able to put all of this on my blog, but I'm reading this book called Tales of the Scales, I love it and recommend it to every woman out there... so since these women were brave enough to tell their story, I thought I'd share a bit of mine... now I wrote this for class when I was 22 and living at GVSU so some references folks might not get... a lot of things have changed, without my cushion of GVSU friends I've retreated from life amd things have actually gotten worse and with my golden birthday coming up I'm feeling a little lost, which I might comment more on here or there, but for now, this is part of my story .... and it looks a little funky cuz I don't konw HTML and how to center and what not .. my apologies

Overweight at 22

By Holly L. Haskell



You are not as fat as you imagine . . .Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Dont be afraid of it or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own . . .Do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly. Mary Schmich.




After spending a year growing out a disastrous mullet cut, my mom finally let me get a cute little bob perm. When I was home I modeled it off to my family, absolutely loving myself sort of a rare occurrence in my life.

I dont remember if it was my mom or my grandma who unintentionally put an end to my high opinion of myself by saying, Your hair is cute; now youll just have to work on your weight.

I was 8 years old.

*

Between the ages of 10 and 12, I had tried and made myself sick on the Slim Fast plan. When I was 12, the calorie counting theme had carried into my home. While all of my friends, mostly thin with great metabolisms, were at home eating whatever they wanted, I was sitting at the dinner table measuring out a half a cup of string beans here, one cup of fruit there, and the allowed portion of meat. I kept a small journal to count my calories and keep them under the amount I was permitted each day. At the end of the day I celebrated if I had enough left over for that yummy half cup of vanilla ice cream.

Feeling that counting calories, along with the Walk Aerobics video tape, was a competition between my mom and I, I gave up on both. I didnt need the disapproving looks when I decided to opt out of exercising or of all things, if I wanted a second no-fat Hostess cupcake.

By the time I was 15, I had realized I wasnt worth much because of my weight. My best friend, who was an amazing size 0 and could fit into Targets section of kids shirts, could fit into one side of my jeans. I was never Josie Grosie but because of my brain-washed mentality of feeling that my size 14 at age 16 proved that I was fat, Ive truly never been kissed. Boys, guys, men Im too fat for anyone to ever like me.

My friends of course didnt see what I saw and I was thankfully never teased. It was still hard being the heaviest girl and the slowest walker out of all of my friends. Also being passed by so that a cute guy could talk to your friends wasnt uplifting.

In high school prom time was the worst. Okay, dealing with not having a date or anyone to dance with was sad, but prom-dress-fitting-time was humiliating. While all of my friends could go to Gantos and buy $100 dresses, I was stuck in a bridal place paying way too much so I could look decent.

*

When I was growing up, thin was the only way to be. My grandmas mother had passed it on to her, my grandma passed it onto my mom and now my mom was passing it on to me. What do you do with a girl who would rather sit in her room, listen to music, read and write?

Society didnt help much either. All the magazines dealt with thinner people. Seventeen, YM and Teen didnt feature girls my size. A size 14 was so huge for `94-`96; if only I could be that size again. My idols, whether actresses or musicians, were all of small frame. Those artists or celebrities that werent, like Bette Midler, Oprah Winfrey or Carnie Wilson, were berated for their weight.

For many years fat has seemed to equal ugly.

The hit TV show for my generation, 90210, showed girls with perfect bodies. Brendas slight rise into a size six, instead of four, was a major issue. Saved By The Bells Zach was auctioned off to a fat girl, but in the end, what a guy, he danced with her. Most times heavy girls in TV shows were shown as overeaters, hogging meals and candy.

There is still evidence of this mentality in todays society. You surely dont see plus-sized women gracing the cover of Cosmo, Seventeen or Vogue. The college movies, which are, granted, not very intelligent, show fatness equaling ugliness. A recent advertisement for Tomcats shows a guy promising himself he will sleep with the next girl he sees. Oops, he bumps into a fat girl and decides it will be the next girl. Picture Perfect, a Jennifer Aniston movie that I absolutely adore, has the characters gasping that in college she was 20 pounds heavier. Friends depicts a heavier Monica eating everything in sight and Chandler not giving her the time of day until she was the thin Monica.

Recently People magazine tried to say that ultra-thin is out and healthy bodies are in, accentuating the curviness of actresses like Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Lopez and Charlize Theron, who say they dont feel they need to be a size 0. Oh, okay, but sizes four and five are ideal and realistic?

Thankfully, our society has started focusing on the plus-sized population. Lane Bryant has done wonders for plus-sized women. Their campaigns include beautiful larger women like Queen Latifah and Camryn Manheim. They also use Chris Noth, the sexy Mr. Big from HBOs Sex in the City, who usually romps around with ultra-thin Sarah Jessica Parker, getting cozy with a gorgeous plus-sized woman.

Old Navy carries up to a size 20 for the younger generation and Wal-Mart not only carries plus-size clothing but also advertises with a plus-sized young woman hanging out and enjoying life with her friends.

Mode magazine is for girls and women who are sizes 14 and up. All the clothing ads have plus-sized models in them, and the issues are about real-sized women. Marie Claire had an issue that dealt with plus-sized topics, including facts like the dimensions of movie, subway, train, plane and bus seats compared to the average-sized behind. An interesting fact the article brought up was that women wearing a size two today were wearing a size 10 back in 1942.

While movie leads are still beautiful, perfect-looking actresses, the television scene has more-than-worthy plus-sized women. Emme, the plus-sized model who burst onto the scene a few years ago, has her own makeover and clothing style program on the E! network. Talk show hosts like Rosie ODonnell and Star Jones represent powerful plus-sized role models and also let us see their humility and self-consciousness about their weight. They share with us the humor and the sadness of being overweight. Television no longer has the smart-mouthed, white trash Roseanne or the heavy Oprah Winfrey as plus-sized poster women, but it does have strong actresses like Camryn Manheim, who lights up The Practice with her acting and successfully shows the viewing audience what it is like to be a plus-sized woman. She attends award shows in sexy, cleavage-baring style, letting us all know she isnt ashamed of how she looks.

This is for all the fat girls! Manheim proclaimed when she won her first Emmy award.

It is too late to completely change my way of thinking, but Im glad for other young women growing up now. They have these strong plus-size women to look up to.

*

We just cant have things like potato chips in the house, my mom said to me. Well just keep eating them.

Um, no. I am not a compulsive eater. I realize I do not usually eat healthy foods. I admit I do occasionally use food for comfort; however, I do not eat a lot. Overeating is a common misperception about heavy people.

I understand the health risks of being overweight. Ive encountered some of them. My hormones, due to my weight, took a toll on my body and left me horribly anemic. I was so weak I couldnt get up for classes or lift the paint cans and wallpaper books at my job, like I usually did. Even now it takes a good portion of my morning strength to walk from Lot C to Henry Hall as I watch track members run by, talking effortlessly about the day or weekend before.

Mostly, I dont have the motivation to exercise and it is not as easy as everyone thinks to just get up and start. Another side effect of being overweight is depression. That set in a long time ago. Since I dont have enough willpower to exercise I have never had the power to put myself through the pain of an eating disorder.

The closest I came to an eating disorder like anorexia was when I was at my heaviest. I was a size 24 edging a size 26. Im not sure when it started or why but I suddenly began feeling ill in the middle of my meals. Food didnt taste the same. Before this I would bring a bottle of Pepsi to work, get a 32-ounce at lunch along with a double cheeseburger and large fry, and then when I got home I would have some more soda. By the time I stopped feeling sick I was bringing juice or water to work, getting a 20-ounce Coke or Pepsi, fountain soda being the only kind that tasted good, with my regular cheeseburger and small fry and then drinking juice or water at home. During this period the amount of food my stomach could hold shrunk drastically. There came a point when I would ignore eating because I didnt want to feel sick, but I would end up feeling nauseous anyway from lack of food. Then, after three or four months, it stopped. I ended up a size 20.

I wasnt proud of the weight loss because I hadnt really done anything to lose the weight. Being two sizes smaller did make me feel better about my appearance and helped my confidence. The confidence I had gained about myself, aside from how I felt about my appearance, stayed with me, but the happiness drifted away as I was reminded daily of just how heavy I was.

*

Things that I envy about thin people:

1. Drying my jeans and not worrying about whether my body will fit in them is something I definitely am jealous of

2. What I wouldnt give to be able to go to a concert and not have to turn to the side, get up on my tiptoes and contort my body so that I can make it through the rotating bars.

3. I know that some heavier people have no shame when it comes to wearing less clothing in the summer. I would love to wear a tank top and shorts out in public without feeling like I am grossing out everyone around me with my flabby arms and rolls.

4. Nearly everyone at GVSU has problems with tiny desks that occupy every room in Lake Superior Hall. I would like to be able to fit more than half my butt on the seat.

*

You could be pretty if you werent so fat, I have repeated so many times in my head.

I dont blame my mom or grandma for how they raised me. I realize that this is what they knew and as Ive gotten older they have gotten better. For most of my life I was paralyzed by my weight. I had anxiety walking into new places, knowing that everyone would notice how heavy I was. I take responsibility for most of my weight gain. It wasnt until I graduated high school and felt alone that I gained most of my weight.

I know that in order to be happier I need to get up and exercise, but I have come to realize losing weight will not solve all my problems. In my fantasy world, I would lose weight and everything else would fall into place. Losing weight would get rid of my debts, my troubles with family and friends, roommate pains, and, most of all, stage fright.

I still have bad times. The days when I hear my thin, in-shape friends talk about how they need to lose weight or class topics turn to how obese Americans are, when I look around and see I am the only heavy person in the class, are not good days. Sometimes getting up in the morning to pick an outfit to wear is too challenging.

Recently I realized just how much of my life I have put on hold because of my weight issues. I wish I could go to bars and parties without feeling overly self-conscious. My generation judges you on how you look more than who you are, so feeling good at a meat market bar or party is out of the question. Id rather sit by myself at home than sit at a bar by myself while my friends mingle with whichever guys come up to talk to them. I dont like seeing people I went to high school with because the intimidated girl with low self-esteem that I used to be resurfaces. Karaoke, although it looks fun, wont happen because I am still too self-conscious right now.

Ive measured out years of my life with weight-loss plans which inevitably fail. If I lose weight by so and so's graduation party or so and so's wedding then I can go and face my old classmates.

Overcoming my low self-esteem took a while, but I have finally reached a point where Im not consumed with my looks every day. It wasnt until I got to college that I met plus-sized women my age who carry themselves with confidence and grace. They helped me a lot. Actually when I first came to GVSU I was intimidated by all the fit people and a friend suggested that I go to class with her because she saw all kinds of heavy people.

I have gained by being heavy. I wouldnt have such a caring, open mind if I hadnt been given such lonely, challenging times. I used to voice my opinions of envying thinner, which to me always used to equal being prettier than me, girls that would walk by. One of my friends finally pointed out that if I were thinner I would be a different person, in not only body but also mind.

I have finally decided that, although I would like to be thinner, I like who I am, so Ill keep everything I have, even if that means the weight too.